It’s been (how many?) days

I’m sitting now in the Pub and having a pint, waiting for the rugby final game to start. 

It’s been a rollercoaster of a journey to start my life here and there are still so many things that I need to sort before I get fully settled. Like resident card. And then I can donate blood here too, I’m so excited! 

But I have managed to secure an amazing apartment with great landlord in a spot on location. I’m starting a job next week, in a good company with a good title and salary that I am very happy about. It might be an interesting start, but I just have to remember that they chose me from lots of applicants, and I am the one they chose to be part of the team. I am the one they chose to smoothly run their office. I shouldn’t have specific expectations and first listen, learn and observe. I know my value and experience can greatly benefit the company and the team! I am great with people! I know sometimes I just need to step up and stand my ground, lower my niceties and get things done. Then again, I have been quite good so far. And I believe in people, I believe them to be good until they prove me otherwise. And I am hardworking. I don’t fear work. I fear confrontational situations, but if I communicate what I need and want, I’m sure I can avoid those kind of situations before they arise.

All in all, I was walking down through Valletta this evening, and I can’t believe I live here now. It’s a beautiful city and amazing country to be in. The weather is lovely, and there are plenty of things to do, just need to find the right things I want to do.

Like getting back into gym, whether it is work gym or something close to my house. So I can get into shape before next summer hits (which is early in the year, here in Malta).

Like being part of a community where I can develop my social skills and have fun at the same time. Like sailing? Rock climbing. Salsa. Yoga. I want to get back to feeling cheerful and happy, and appreciate life! Without thinking ahead too much, without worrying about future. 

We talked with Jolly today about the prospect of getting a house! And that’s all good and all, but what happens to the house when you die. If neither of us wants children, who gets the house? Give it away? To who? Would you donate it to charity? That, I thought, is a great idea. But otherwise, what assets would I need for my future? Retirement? A place for myself? A way to take care of my mom and my dad, in case something happens. Contribute to the wellness of my grandparents.

Little bit of a monologue, but isn’t this blog all about that? Express myself without getting interrupted, even though noone really is listening. It takes a while for me to express myself, my thoughts, my feelings, and this feels like the only way where I can do that. Not that I do it often, I don’t. I tend to forget that I have this blog. So maybe it’s time to use it more like a journal? Like I used to do the first time I moved to London? Write about daily, weekly events and let all the frustration, if there is any, out and all the excitement. So there is time where I can read back and remember the things I did, the feelings I experienced, events I attended. I will try to get better at this, I really want to. Keep me accountable!P.S. It’s been 82 days.

Malta

I have spent now the first week in Malta and its a bit slower than I imagined it. Living here for sure is very different from being here on holidays. On holidays you relax and if something takes a bit longer, you don't stress, you are on holidays. One needs to get used to the 'island time' a lot of people and businesses are on. My ex-colleague called this month - 'august summer shutdown' which I guess is very accurate considering a lot of people go on holiday, most likely to escape the high heat and high tourism influx. But that makes me question general ways of doing things - if one posts a job offer but then heads out to holiday and has noone else to cover the applications (that to be honest deserves a whole chapter - the new style of job search). Or ways the property market is managed by flat owners and agents. I personally find it crazy that you would have owner who is also willing to pay half of the rent in agency fees. I guess it is a sort of security for them. Why would you not try to directly offer the apartment unless owners have responsibility towards agency and they have to pay them anyway, so they might as well keep the agent doing all the work.

The weather is really hot though, I mean like constant hot. But at least it is predictable. So I can easily leave the house without a jacket and just a small scarf in my bag and I will be fine :) I guess I should spend at least couple of mornings on the beach, getting a little bit of a tan. And I shouldn't shy away from spending a little bit of money travelling as long as I can get to know more people, talk to locals and understand more about this island, culture and their ways of doing things. 

Like today I'm going for a guided tour of Valletta. Learn and see and meet! I'm excited.

What am I scared of?

-that I will fail

-that I will get hurt

-that I will be uncomfortable

-that I won't be liked

STOP feeling sorry for yourself. make a change. if you are happy alone, why bother going on dates? is it just to fill the social expectation? or just to meet new people? everyones expectation is that you want something more. or is it?

there is no WHEN I have more money

there is no WHEN I live in Malta/Latvia I will do this/that

make a change NOW

don't fool yourself with requirements from society

ADMIT to yourself what is it that you want/like

noone else actually cares

I have to.. want to.. care for me

Am I happy alone?

Am I happy overweight?

Am I happy to have a debt?

What do I want to do with my life?

What do I want to do in my life?

Is there pressure from outside or do I put pressure on myself thinking that others want me to be certain way or do certain things? Is that my imagination?

Conversation Cards - Lewis Howes

How much (from 1 to 10) do you accept yourself, have positive thoughts about yourself, have healed your wounds and fully love who you are (authentically)?

I think maybe couple of years ago, most probably even couple of months ago, I would not be very accepting of myself. There is always something to work towards and something to improve. And that number would have been 6 (?) but I feel like in last months, years (since having lockdown walks and talks with Jolanta) I have progressed and understand myself better. Have improved my communication with myself and people around me. It is not perfect by any means, but it is better. More open. And I think I am becoming more positive, relaxed person who loves herself and continues to work and improve. So, I think it is a 8.5 now.. Have I healed my wounds? I guess the question would be which wounds, to first know and acknowledge them. Maybe one of the reasons I am not putting myself into a relationship is a fear that I will loose myself again. That it won't be a balanced relationship and all the things that I do love doing (which I still haven't really done, but I blame 'lack of money') like salsa, climbing, yoga were left aside. I do feel my last relationship taught me to travel on budget, to experience culture (music, theatre, cinema) - not bad things at all.

So yes, have I healed my wounds, - partially. 

Do I love myself fully and authentically, - yes.

How much do I have positive thoughts about myself, - 8.5 is a fair number, for now. 

Going on a date

Haven’t been on a date for a long time.

What does one do on a date? 

Sitting here, waiting for him, because even though I was a little late, he is late late. 

What do I say? Even though I’m great with people, I don’t feel like an extrovert. Isn’t that funny? I read a blog once that you can be introverted extrovert. Or extroverted introvert. Would be interesting to know how does one differ from the other. 

/ Tataki - Argy /

I’m more and more thinking that exploring and moving to Malta is a good thing. Shall I just... (what was the thought here?)

...skip to next morning... 

short version - date went well. it was fun! looking forward to Sunday, exploring Hackney or Brixton?

long version - 

Why there is this weird sensation to show your better self, maybe tell the stories a bit better, act like a better human. You won’t judge me. Maybe. But. Everyone judges everyone. On some level. 

Although London has definitely taught me to not take everything personally or allowed me to open up my mind. 

Do I even write this better worded thinking if he might read it? Interesting. 

But there are so many expressions that tell you to do just that - ‘put your best foot forward’ (what other are there? 

And even if I do tell a white lie. Maybe it’s because I want to believe it. Age doesn’t matter. I mean in certain situations. Well, it shouldn’t, but it does. In relationship, I don’t think it does, until something happens and it proves you wrong - age matters. Or. Maybe it is just how you deal with it. But I can’t teach you what only life is gonna teach you. Cos, I have gone both ways, older and younger. Neither worked out. Maybe because of them, maybe because of me. I have learned. I hope.

/ Goodbye my Lover - James Blunt /

Breaking my limits

What exactly is holding me back? Why I keep on giving myself excuses and allowing myself to be lazy, to take a step back, to give up. 

Maybe it comes from the ‘don’t be so hard on yourself, you are doing a good job’. Well, maybe I need to do better, or choose the battles I win or lose. Maybe lose is too strong of a word for this, but I do give up. Like in training yesterday. Why did I let go when Paulo was helping me squat? When I clearly could do two more repetitions. Because yes, it is hard, but it’s not gonna break me. Am I scared of trauma, injury or just failure? If it is failure then clearly by giving up and letting go, I am failing myself.

Also, the whole talk about holding myself accountable. How can I ensure that I actually do it? There are no consequences to me not getting up at 5am, or not doing chores in house that one day, or not going to gym the whole Easter weekend (for that I got a bit of consequence, when Paulo said imagine what you could have done if you did train harder for last 4 weeks!). Apart from the fact that I feel like I haven’t done much in the years I have been in London. Getting a degree, but it’s too expensive (really? I have spent so much money on other 'priorities'). Pushing myself to get the promotion, to get more responsibilities, to get more attention.

Maybe that’s the thing. Do I have a goal in my life that I want to achieve? Not just an idea or a dream, but an actual goal to work towards? Maybe that’s why I’m floating, and allowing myself to let go.

How can I break the circle? 

I want to be that person that does things, that doesn't give up, that is fun and interesting. And happy and bubbly and full of energy! What is holding me back?

Too much is too much

I keep coming back to this realisation. Especially listening to couple of podcasts.

I try to do too many things at the same time. Therefor none of them are done properly. It's like saying that I am good at multi-tasking. None of us are actually multi-tasking. The best you can do is do something physical (like walking that is happening automatic) and have a conversation or listen to a podcast. And it is good to train the ability to focus on more than one thing, like writing a blog post while listening to lyrical music. 

Also, how Simon Sinek says, when you meditate, you calm yourself, you learn to focus on one thing, you learn to avoid distractions, so when you have a conversation with someone, you are not distracted, you can fully focus on the person in front of you. 

*PT course

*yoga on IG

*pull ups & TRX work

*crochet

*painting 

I guess writing this list.. I realise that I have actually started to prioritise.. And all the things that come later in the list are hobbies that I do for myself.. although, I could sell the paintings or the crochet animals I make.. it is quite time consuming (but I could do it while watching movie/TV series, and hey, multi-tasking!)

And it's just about knowing what is my focus, and what I need to do reach it!

Personal yoga trainings?!

And to promote myself, I need to learn social media presence (or how to present myself in general!). That also means, graphic design, digital marketing, CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) and sports psychology. It all comes together, doesn't it? 

Take away? Continue improving and focusing on what I want to achieve, keep the goal in mind.

Iniko - The King's Affirmation