Maybe it comes from the ‘don’t be so hard on yourself, you are doing a good job’. Well, maybe I need to do better, or choose the battles I win or lose. Maybe lose is too strong of a word for this, but I do give up. Like in training yesterday. Why did I let go when Paulo was helping me squat? When I clearly could do two more repetitions. Because yes, it is hard, but it’s not gonna break me. Am I scared of trauma, injury or just failure? If it is failure then clearly by giving up and letting go, I am failing myself.
Also, the whole talk about holding myself accountable. How can I ensure that I actually do it? There are no consequences to me not getting up at 5am, or not doing chores in house that one day, or not going to gym the whole Easter weekend (for that I got a bit of consequence, when Paulo said imagine what you could have done if you did train harder for last 4 weeks!). Apart from the fact that I feel like I haven’t done much in the years I have been in London. Getting a degree, but it’s too expensive (really? I have spent so much money on other 'priorities'). Pushing myself to get the promotion, to get more responsibilities, to get more attention.
Maybe that’s the thing. Do I have a goal in my life that I want to achieve? Not just an idea or a dream, but an actual goal to work towards? Maybe that’s why I’m floating, and allowing myself to let go.
How can I break the circle?
I want to be that person that does things, that doesn't give up, that is fun and interesting. And happy and bubbly and full of energy! What is holding me back?
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