Talk the talk, walk the walk /

New year, new me has never really worked for me. Or maybe it has. 

At least this year, me and Ruta tackled the monthly challenges to get into habit and keeping it as consistent as the life allows it. 

March has been a bit of a challenge. I have had 55% consistency rate for my set challenges - steps, daily yoga, no spend days and other things. That obviously is better than not having any consistency, but not as good as February was - at 76%. And January (the set 5 things) - at 100%. So that is the new year, new me curse, - the first few weeks you are so focused and motivated and being on top of everything that needs to be done, and after few weeks, months the motivation and consistency dies down. Little sad. 

So let's see what happened in March.

Wins - paying off the Halifax card, no more debt for me! Well done on daily steps, reading a book, study, fasting and colouring (even though the end of the month seems like a disaster :D)

Proud - finding new venues and contacts for work events, trying out different gyms (Urbn, Challenger)

Memories - lots of outings (unfortunately most involving drinks) - POPP day out and women's day at Thirsty Barber, Valletta with Valters, Chapels lunch with work colleagues, Brewhouse St Patricks with work colleagues, movie night with Aleks, St Patricks in St Julians, Sunday Funday with Valters, Drum n Bass in Hideout with Aleks

Grateful - Nikolett for taking me as a model for beauty course, mom and brother' help in paying the debt, and Ruta for always being supportive

Lessons learned - that is a good question. what have I learned, good or bad from the actions I did this month. Daily journaling might help answer this question. 

Unfinished - 50% or less on these challenges - daily yoga, no spend, no alcohol, no sugary snacks.

Improve next month - continue focused approach on basic areas of Physical, Social and Self-care, in addition to the established steps. Extra attention to daily activity, daily self-care and nutrition (mainly fasting, but avoiding sugary snacks).

April goals

Physical - FitOn body weight (plus kettlebells), TRX workouts (open day gyms)

Social - stay in touch with friends and family, even if it is a quick text (but better a phone call) 

Self love - read, meditate and write gratitude journal :)

That girl!

I am the girl that reads.

I am the girl that has finished the PT course.

I am the girl that goes climbing, salsa dancing and does yoga.

I am the girl that wakes up in the morning and meditates.

I am the girl that has financial stability.

I am the girl that dresses nicely and takes care of her clothes and shoes.

I am the girl that takes care of her body.

I am the girl that is cheerful and positive.

I am the girl that is honest and humble.

I am the girl that works hard but doesn't stress about things she can't control.

I am the girl that loves her family.

I am the girl that keeps in touch with her friends.

I am the girl that takes goals and achieves them.

I am the girl that has beautiful home.

I am the girl that organises dinners and invites friends over for a intelligent evening.

I am the girl that knows what she wants and is not afraid to ask for it. 

I am the girl that is proud of what she has achieved, personally and professionally. 

I am the girl that works out daily. 

Journal Challenge - Day 15 - Letter - Open on 12/11/2025

 *Write an encouraging letter to your younger self

Hey girl, 

You are awesome and you are doing the best you can. You have achieved so much in your life. The courage you have had to move countries, twice, without having a real prospect of what you going to do or where you are going to stay. And now, look at you! You are well loved and appreciated in the company you work at. You have lovely apartment in a nice area. You have few really good friends you can count on. And your family always supports you, even with the crazy ideas of moving.

You have learned a lot about yourself in the last couple of years and you are continuing to grow and learn and improve yourself. It takes time, but its the journey and it will never become easier. But you fight through!

You are becoming more and more financially accountable. You have paid off your debt and won't be back in this situation ever again! You have saved some money and spending it on experiences that create memories rather than short term pleasure items. You own beautiful clothes and shoes and household items that you are proud of and that serve you! You have a style and grace about you! 

You are fit and strong and keeping yourself in check with eating healthy and keeping active. It's been an up and down journey with the weight and looks, but you are finally here where you are happy and confident. You are part of community that cares about each other and fitness is big part of your daily life. Whether that means dancing all night, going on hikes, climbing or bouldering, you are spending your time being active! 

You have learned and grown a lot within the industry and are managing yourself. It could be within a bar where you are a managing partner and operations manager, or/and freelancing as an operations/office manager at your own company. This allows you to travel to places you have always wanted to go - back to States, to Japan, Indonesia and South America.

You are amazing, and don't ever doubt yourself. Yes, there might be some hard times, but you always come out on top. There will always be a way! Make it happen! Go girl!

Journal Challenge - Day 9 - My own company

 *Write about a time you enjoyed your own company.

Well, this is quite an easy one. I almost always enjoy my own company. 

Very recently I spend Sunday: doing a fun colour run, went to theatre and had dinner on my own. Even though the run would have been more fun with a company, but as I didn't even run, I think it was great. And I danced, like nobody was watching. Theatre was a modernised Shakespeare play, while still using the old language, so at points it was hard to understand, but overall, a little bit of culture that makes you think a bit more. And the dinner, after a long and a bit tiring weekend, was exactly what I needed. No one talked to me, no one bothered, I could just enjoy my burger and a beer, get a discount and walk home. Quite perfect day. 

Journal Challenge - Day 7 - Joy!

*What brings you joy?

Doing the little projects. Like today:

Getting ready (prepping) all the necessary things for the event. 

Bringing the games to the office.

Getting the cards done to add to my costume. 

Doing the decorations to give a bit more spirit to the place. 

Ordering the soft drinks for the night.

Journal Challenge - Day 6 - A skill

 *Name a skill you're good at. How do you feel when you are performing that skill?

I like being prepared. I am prepared. And that makes me organised. I feel good, accomplished because there are a lot of things that could go wrong and being prepared takes out the unknown out of the equation and any issues can be dealt with before rather than having to stress about it later - on the day or last minute. Makes me happy that I can actually think ahead of time, check what needs to be done and avert any problems. 

When sometimes things do happen and I haven't thought about it, feels like I haven't done my job. Even though I know that I tend to be a lot more prepared and ready for certain occasions than most people, I still sometimes don't give myself enough credit.

Note for future. I am doing a great job! 

Journal Challenge - Day 4 - A wish

 *What is something you have now that seemed like a wish back then? How do you feel knowing that you have it now?

I wish to work at Trident Park. It feels like accomplishment, but at the same time I feel like I'm not giving myself enough credit in achieving it. Or maybe the wish was not big enough in the first place so achieving it doesn't seem as big. 

At the same time, in general, am I avoiding to allow myself to have these big wishes just not to feel disappointed if I don't achieve it? What is the root cause?

Also, I wish to live and succeed in Malta. I am now living here, working and enjoying life. Of course, I have a well-paid job, probably better than a lot of OM in Malta. But is it well-rounded success? Again, I feel like I'm being hard on myself. 

Some wishes for future?!

I wish I travelled without worrying about money, security.

I wish to be debt free by end of middle of next year!

I wish I was fit and feel good about my body.

Journal Challenge - Day 3 - Memories

 *Write about the last memory that made you happy. What does it feel like in your body?

ANY TRAVEL EXPERIENCE.

Especially if it is with my friend - Jolanta :) It's always fun and adventurous. Different experiences, new foods, couple of drinks. It makes me miss her a lot and all the good times we have spent together. But it also gives me a lot of great emotions and memories and longing to go travelling again. And with Jolanta is it the freedom and carefree days that make these trips so memorable. 

Malta

Marocco

Marocco

London

Journal Challenge - Day 2 - Skills

 *Write about a skill you are grateful for. Why?

Hard skills represent things you've learned to do or use—like tools, technologies, or proficiencies. Soft skills are interpersonal traits you have developed over time—like effective communication, dependability, or generosity.

Hard Skills

I'm grateful to be able to speak more than one language, multilingual. Even though sometimes I feel like I am forgetting words in one or the other language, I am capable to hold a conversation in Latvian and English. English has become commonly used language, as most of the everyday conversations and work is done in English. If I would spend more time listening, reading and communicating in Russian, I am convinced I could hold a conversation in Russian too. 

It's sometimes really hard to judge yourself, in a good way. To evaluate your skills as I seem to just have them and think that most people would have them and that does not make me feel special. And I feel like I do know how to use certain systems, but not to the extent that I would call myself expert. 

Soft Skills

I'm definitely organized. I like things neat and tidy as well as I like to be prepared for things and think through what needs to be done and what needs to be ordered (for example at work, for kitchen). Sometimes although, making lists and being super organised is tricky, but lately I have become more open-minded and open to changes as well as spontaneity. So to say that I have adaptability to certain situations, people's characters - I'm pretty good at it. Or maybe it's the fact that I'm trying to avoid conflict. And I feel like I'm good at problem solving too. Although I am really good at making things more complicated that they should be. 

I'm grateful for the last couple of years, where I have a lot more focused on myself and learned about how and why I do certain things as well as act certain way. And I want to learn more, I want to read more (so it's really frustrating that I choose to spend my time in front of TV, watching something that doesn't give me any knowledge, just distracts me from the focuses I want in my life) 

Journal Challenge - Day 1 - Setting an intention

 *List at least three things that make you feel grounded. How do you want those things to carry you today? How do they make you feel more connected to yourself and others?

Feeling grounded often means feeling calm, secure, and present in the moment. It’s about being centered and connected to yourself and your surroundings, despite external stress or chaos.

I think my main three things would be: music, meditation and dance. Even though I do none of those regularly. Hopefully this challenge gives me the push I need to stay consistent and actually keep concentrated one thing and finish it. 

Music has always been something that is close to my heart, that always makes me happy or in the right mood. Or brings back great memories that I associate with good events. It's never really just one song or one genre. It depends how I feel and if I want to intensify the feeling or change it. Certain music will lift me up or calm me down. 

I have done different meditations and especially during yoga teachers course, when we meditated for 3 weeks every morning, I could feel the benefits of the time I spend with my own thoughts, without listening to anything or thinking about anything in particular. 

Dance has been part of my life, and during the time in Latvia, when going out and dancing was a big part of my life, I really enjoyed it. Salsa dancing was about community, club dancing is about letting yourself go. There is still part of me that is cautious of what others would think when they see me dance, but lately I have that feeling less and less. 

Today has been an interesting Tuesday, some work meetings didn't really go as planned. But I would feel weird if I put my headphones in to listen to music or take 10 minutes to meditate in the meeting room. So still in back of my head I feel like I would be judged for taking time for myself, during working hours. Sure, I could combine the meditation and music, because lot of times the music I would want to listen to at work would be background, like Moby or Jon Hopkins.

Dance definitely makes me connected to others. Whether it is salsa so you actually are feeling each other, the moves are closer and more intimate. In the club or festival, it's more about the overall vibe, togetherness in enjoying the same music, same atmosphere. So, that makes me feel connected to the world.

When do I feel more connected to myself? Probably during meditation. 

Hanging by the moment

Lifehouse - Hanging by the moment

It’s weird how some songs that are about 15-20 years old come back to me in certain situations and remind me of certain time in my life, certain people and experiences.

How important the lyrics are and how meaningful they are to me. Yes, there is the melody and the beat, but lyrics, even if it’s one verse or only chorus, are so effective. The right lyrics will lift my mood.

Stereophonics - Maybe Tomorrow

There is definitely some unresolved issues in my life, especially looking at my relationships. Romantic relationships. A friend suggested therapy. A professional who will see through me, through my blocks and see patterns where I hold myself back. I never thought I would need therapy, but maybe it’s worth it. I don’t think I can understand myself on my own no matter how much I think I work on myself.

Live - The Dolphin’s Cry

‘Love will lead us. She will lead us’

Burna Boy, Ed Sheeran - For My Hand

Is it stupid to think that this kind of love exists? How do I find it? Where do I find it? I guess a good start is going to places that make me feel good - work out, dance, climb, meditate.

Stress

Stress is such a funny thing.

There is the type of stress that you feel straight away, when you gotta deal with difficult situation and it makes your blood boil, your heart race and it’s just a moment and it’s over.

Then you have stress that is building up slowly while you do your daily activities, but something in the back of your head (no pun intended - ref pain right now) just starts to hurt. But it’s not like it’s pain, it’s tension!  Tension that you can’t get rid of until you get rid of source of the stress.

The stressor could be a number of things, but this time I think it is the upcoming change. The change in lifestyle, the move to a new country. The fact that I’m leaving my regular/normal life behind and starting a completely new chapter. Chapter that…

Where was my thoughts going there???

Black Gold thoughts

It’s a weird feeling. To sit here in Black Gold, middle of Saturday, looking at all the yachts and Manoel Island in the distance. And to think this is my home now. 

You can see people passing by and some of them are tourists just popping by and looking for a lunch spot, and some, walking faster, on a mission, to get to shops, or work or wherever you te need to get. 

It’s warm. I’m still getting used to the weather and the fact that it can be sunny and +18 at the end of January. 

I hope I never loose the sight of little exciting things. The ones you notice when you go on holidays. The beautiful architecture, the happy people, the new cute restaurants or bars. 

There is a mix of music, songs between the two bars. And sometimes they complement each other, sometimes they clash. But you gotta take it as the way of life. Island life. A way for businesses to make a living, attracting customers. 

Heading to karaoke tonight, and a club later. Not a regular Saturday night for me. I’ve been flying under radar for a bit. Partly it is a finance thing and I have to keep reminding myself (Dave Ramsey) to live like no one so you can live like no one! But partly it’s the fact I’m a lot more choosy on how and who with I spend my time with. And I think it’s a good thing. It’s a growth thing. When you decide what you want to do, not what would make you fit in the crowd. And it is really hard until you accept you can’t be everyone’s friend, and you won’t be able to attend every single party on the island. 

It’s very interesting to see how I have grown over the last couple of years, since I have actually started to pay attention. Pay attention to how I feel, to how I want to be perceived. 

It is still different when I go back home to Latvia. And if I decide, when the decide to move back, it will some adjusting time. Like now. But it might be easier because I would have support of family. Not that I don’t have it now. It would just be closer. 

And I stil have to decide if that’s gonna be a good thing. To have family so close.

Anyway, the verdict on that is still out, and a while away. 

It’s been (how many?) days

I’m sitting now in the Pub and having a pint, waiting for the rugby final game to start. 

It’s been a rollercoaster of a journey to start my life here and there are still so many things that I need to sort before I get fully settled. Like resident card. And then I can donate blood here too, I’m so excited! 

But I have managed to secure an amazing apartment with great landlord in a spot on location. I’m starting a job next week, in a good company with a good title and salary that I am very happy about. It might be an interesting start, but I just have to remember that they chose me from lots of applicants, and I am the one they chose to be part of the team. I am the one they chose to smoothly run their office. I shouldn’t have specific expectations and first listen, learn and observe. I know my value and experience can greatly benefit the company and the team! I am great with people! I know sometimes I just need to step up and stand my ground, lower my niceties and get things done. Then again, I have been quite good so far. And I believe in people, I believe them to be good until they prove me otherwise. And I am hardworking. I don’t fear work. I fear confrontational situations, but if I communicate what I need and want, I’m sure I can avoid those kind of situations before they arise.

All in all, I was walking down through Valletta this evening, and I can’t believe I live here now. It’s a beautiful city and amazing country to be in. The weather is lovely, and there are plenty of things to do, just need to find the right things I want to do.

Like getting back into gym, whether it is work gym or something close to my house. So I can get into shape before next summer hits (which is early in the year, here in Malta).

Like being part of a community where I can develop my social skills and have fun at the same time. Like sailing? Rock climbing. Salsa. Yoga. I want to get back to feeling cheerful and happy, and appreciate life! Without thinking ahead too much, without worrying about future. 

We talked with Jolly today about the prospect of getting a house! And that’s all good and all, but what happens to the house when you die. If neither of us wants children, who gets the house? Give it away? To who? Would you donate it to charity? That, I thought, is a great idea. But otherwise, what assets would I need for my future? Retirement? A place for myself? A way to take care of my mom and my dad, in case something happens. Contribute to the wellness of my grandparents.

Little bit of a monologue, but isn’t this blog all about that? Express myself without getting interrupted, even though noone really is listening. It takes a while for me to express myself, my thoughts, my feelings, and this feels like the only way where I can do that. Not that I do it often, I don’t. I tend to forget that I have this blog. So maybe it’s time to use it more like a journal? Like I used to do the first time I moved to London? Write about daily, weekly events and let all the frustration, if there is any, out and all the excitement. So there is time where I can read back and remember the things I did, the feelings I experienced, events I attended. I will try to get better at this, I really want to. Keep me accountable!P.S. It’s been 82 days.

Malta

I have spent now the first week in Malta and its a bit slower than I imagined it. Living here for sure is very different from being here on holidays. On holidays you relax and if something takes a bit longer, you don't stress, you are on holidays. One needs to get used to the 'island time' a lot of people and businesses are on. My ex-colleague called this month - 'august summer shutdown' which I guess is very accurate considering a lot of people go on holiday, most likely to escape the high heat and high tourism influx. But that makes me question general ways of doing things - if one posts a job offer but then heads out to holiday and has noone else to cover the applications (that to be honest deserves a whole chapter - the new style of job search). Or ways the property market is managed by flat owners and agents. I personally find it crazy that you would have owner who is also willing to pay half of the rent in agency fees. I guess it is a sort of security for them. Why would you not try to directly offer the apartment unless owners have responsibility towards agency and they have to pay them anyway, so they might as well keep the agent doing all the work.

The weather is really hot though, I mean like constant hot. But at least it is predictable. So I can easily leave the house without a jacket and just a small scarf in my bag and I will be fine :) I guess I should spend at least couple of mornings on the beach, getting a little bit of a tan. And I shouldn't shy away from spending a little bit of money travelling as long as I can get to know more people, talk to locals and understand more about this island, culture and their ways of doing things. 

Like today I'm going for a guided tour of Valletta. Learn and see and meet! I'm excited.

What am I scared of?

-that I will fail

-that I will get hurt

-that I will be uncomfortable

-that I won't be liked

STOP feeling sorry for yourself. make a change. if you are happy alone, why bother going on dates? is it just to fill the social expectation? or just to meet new people? everyones expectation is that you want something more. or is it?

there is no WHEN I have more money

there is no WHEN I live in Malta/Latvia I will do this/that

make a change NOW

don't fool yourself with requirements from society

ADMIT to yourself what is it that you want/like

noone else actually cares

I have to.. want to.. care for me

Am I happy alone?

Am I happy overweight?

Am I happy to have a debt?

What do I want to do with my life?

What do I want to do in my life?

Is there pressure from outside or do I put pressure on myself thinking that others want me to be certain way or do certain things? Is that my imagination?

Conversation Cards - Lewis Howes

How much (from 1 to 10) do you accept yourself, have positive thoughts about yourself, have healed your wounds and fully love who you are (authentically)?

I think maybe couple of years ago, most probably even couple of months ago, I would not be very accepting of myself. There is always something to work towards and something to improve. And that number would have been 6 (?) but I feel like in last months, years (since having lockdown walks and talks with Jolanta) I have progressed and understand myself better. Have improved my communication with myself and people around me. It is not perfect by any means, but it is better. More open. And I think I am becoming more positive, relaxed person who loves herself and continues to work and improve. So, I think it is a 8.5 now.. Have I healed my wounds? I guess the question would be which wounds, to first know and acknowledge them. Maybe one of the reasons I am not putting myself into a relationship is a fear that I will loose myself again. That it won't be a balanced relationship and all the things that I do love doing (which I still haven't really done, but I blame 'lack of money') like salsa, climbing, yoga were left aside. I do feel my last relationship taught me to travel on budget, to experience culture (music, theatre, cinema) - not bad things at all.

So yes, have I healed my wounds, - partially. 

Do I love myself fully and authentically, - yes.

How much do I have positive thoughts about myself, - 8.5 is a fair number, for now. 

Going on a date

Haven’t been on a date for a long time.

What does one do on a date? 

Sitting here, waiting for him, because even though I was a little late, he is late late. 

What do I say? Even though I’m great with people, I don’t feel like an extrovert. Isn’t that funny? I read a blog once that you can be introverted extrovert. Or extroverted introvert. Would be interesting to know how does one differ from the other. 

/ Tataki - Argy /

I’m more and more thinking that exploring and moving to Malta is a good thing. Shall I just... (what was the thought here?)

...skip to next morning... 

short version - date went well. it was fun! looking forward to Sunday, exploring Hackney or Brixton?

long version - 

Why there is this weird sensation to show your better self, maybe tell the stories a bit better, act like a better human. You won’t judge me. Maybe. But. Everyone judges everyone. On some level. 

Although London has definitely taught me to not take everything personally or allowed me to open up my mind. 

Do I even write this better worded thinking if he might read it? Interesting. 

But there are so many expressions that tell you to do just that - ‘put your best foot forward’ (what other are there? 

And even if I do tell a white lie. Maybe it’s because I want to believe it. Age doesn’t matter. I mean in certain situations. Well, it shouldn’t, but it does. In relationship, I don’t think it does, until something happens and it proves you wrong - age matters. Or. Maybe it is just how you deal with it. But I can’t teach you what only life is gonna teach you. Cos, I have gone both ways, older and younger. Neither worked out. Maybe because of them, maybe because of me. I have learned. I hope.

/ Goodbye my Lover - James Blunt /

Breaking my limits

What exactly is holding me back? Why I keep on giving myself excuses and allowing myself to be lazy, to take a step back, to give up. 

Maybe it comes from the ‘don’t be so hard on yourself, you are doing a good job’. Well, maybe I need to do better, or choose the battles I win or lose. Maybe lose is too strong of a word for this, but I do give up. Like in training yesterday. Why did I let go when Paulo was helping me squat? When I clearly could do two more repetitions. Because yes, it is hard, but it’s not gonna break me. Am I scared of trauma, injury or just failure? If it is failure then clearly by giving up and letting go, I am failing myself.

Also, the whole talk about holding myself accountable. How can I ensure that I actually do it? There are no consequences to me not getting up at 5am, or not doing chores in house that one day, or not going to gym the whole Easter weekend (for that I got a bit of consequence, when Paulo said imagine what you could have done if you did train harder for last 4 weeks!). Apart from the fact that I feel like I haven’t done much in the years I have been in London. Getting a degree, but it’s too expensive (really? I have spent so much money on other 'priorities'). Pushing myself to get the promotion, to get more responsibilities, to get more attention.

Maybe that’s the thing. Do I have a goal in my life that I want to achieve? Not just an idea or a dream, but an actual goal to work towards? Maybe that’s why I’m floating, and allowing myself to let go.

How can I break the circle? 

I want to be that person that does things, that doesn't give up, that is fun and interesting. And happy and bubbly and full of energy! What is holding me back?

Too much is too much

I keep coming back to this realisation. Especially listening to couple of podcasts.

I try to do too many things at the same time. Therefor none of them are done properly. It's like saying that I am good at multi-tasking. None of us are actually multi-tasking. The best you can do is do something physical (like walking that is happening automatic) and have a conversation or listen to a podcast. And it is good to train the ability to focus on more than one thing, like writing a blog post while listening to lyrical music. 

Also, how Simon Sinek says, when you meditate, you calm yourself, you learn to focus on one thing, you learn to avoid distractions, so when you have a conversation with someone, you are not distracted, you can fully focus on the person in front of you. 

*PT course

*yoga on IG

*pull ups & TRX work

*crochet

*painting 

I guess writing this list.. I realise that I have actually started to prioritise.. And all the things that come later in the list are hobbies that I do for myself.. although, I could sell the paintings or the crochet animals I make.. it is quite time consuming (but I could do it while watching movie/TV series, and hey, multi-tasking!)

And it's just about knowing what is my focus, and what I need to do reach it!

Personal yoga trainings?!

And to promote myself, I need to learn social media presence (or how to present myself in general!). That also means, graphic design, digital marketing, CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) and sports psychology. It all comes together, doesn't it? 

Take away? Continue improving and focusing on what I want to achieve, keep the goal in mind.

Iniko - The King's Affirmation